Sanity is Relative

sanityisrelativ @ 2008-05-18T18:54:00

2008-05-18T23:55:48Z

so I went to get some bloodwork done the other day, cause it had been awhile since I got things checked out.... and by the time I got home on friday, there was a message on the machine that told me to call the doctor on call....
something about getting a message to call a doctor on call, over the long weekend doesn't exactly make you feel particularly comforted when it comes to your health...

so I called. And they told me that (surprise, surprise) my hemoglobin is low, again. It is however, lower than it has maybe ever been. The doctor started to ask me if I was having any chest pain, or difficulty breathing, or if I was passing out at any point.... um... no.... but that doesn't sound too good. And instead of the usual reccomendation of 'take your iron pills stupid', apparently it's bad enough that they're reccomending a blood transfusion... huh....

so, I have an appointment with my nurse on tuesday, and the doc told me that if I started to feel lightheaded, dizzy, or started having chest pains, to go to the ER over the weekend, and get the transfusion then.

FUCK...

this is the first time any of the things Ive been 'at risk' for has actually happened to me...
Im kinda scared...

sanityisrelativ @ 2008-05-11T21:46:00

2008-05-12T02:47:36Z

for once I have some happy news....

I have a boyfriend... for the first time in years.
and he knows... everything, and he still tells me that he loves me everyday. I am so happy :) but yet there is still that part of me that can't quite trust that it's all happening...

I'm starting to eat a little in front of him, but most of the time I just restrict. It does mean that I don't binge though, and that part is good.
I just never thought that I would find someone who would know how messed up I am, and love me anyways.

We're talking about moving in together, and that part scares me... I've never purged when he's been at my place, but I know, that if we live together, there will come a time where I have to purge, and he's going to be there. I just don't know if he'll really know what all this is in my life until he experiences it. To say that you're ok with something is one thing, but to see it firsthand and then to actually be ok with it is entirely different.

I really do love him, and Im just so scared that I am going to lose him.

The pretender

2008-02-02T08:11:06Z

All my life I have catered and acquiesced to be who and what I think other people want me to be. My past relationships have all failed, but how could I have expected them to succeed when the person engaged in them was not a genuine and authentic version of who I am? Changing myself to become what I perceived to be wanted has doomed friendships and relationships my entire life; failures I blamed on the flaws I was unable to change in myself. Perhaps it was, in fact, my feigned and duplicitous character that failed me? For all one knows, they were relationships that were never meant to eventuate, it was only my pertinaciousness and intransigence that willed them to come into being.
Why have I been so indefatigable about being with men who are not meant to be with the unfeigned and legitimate person I have been so cowardly evading? What is it in myself I have been so reluctant and unwilling to reveal? If anything?
I would flaunt untruths and falsifications of my character to be with someone whom I felt would see my legitimate person as being unworthy and unbefitting of his affections. Why? What cause had I to conclude that my simulated and inauthentic character would be more favorably received than an honest and genuine manifestation?
I have decided than in any future relationships the verity and authenticity of my character will remain intact. Any future men in my life will either love me or hate me for the person I truly am. If I am ever to succeed in a relationship, an actual, honest, authentic personage has to be the one engaged.

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2008-01-06T15:18:00

2008-01-06T21:11:28Z

Never being happy isn't the same as being unhappy, is it?

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-12-17T19:09:00

2007-12-18T01:12:54Z

I'm going to be alone for christmas again this year.

This will be the second year that I spend the day by myself. I haven't been home for christmas in 5 years. I used to go to my ex's farm, and spend the holidays with his family. After three years, I grew to love them like they were my own. When he left, I lost them too, and I guess there's a part of me that just doesn't want to get attached to another family. I can't handle losing another one.

My mother wanted so badly for me to come home this year. I wanted more than anything to go. I just couldn't. For me to explain why, won't make sense to anyone else. Sometimes I hate my mental illness. I just hate it. In all honesty, I feel like I can't go, because I don't want my family to see how 'fat' I am. I have all these plans inside my head to be ridiculously sick by august for my sister's wedding, and I don't want them to see me as I am right now. Everytime they see me even a little bit heavier, it makes them hope. They hope that I am getting better, that I am on a path towards recovery. I just can't see the dissapointment in their eyes again. I can't hurt them like that.

I'm able to rationalize that it's better for them to just not see me at all. I feel like, when they can see me, it causes them even more pain. When the family sits down to dinner, and all I have is water, everyone is pained. It takes away from an otherwise joyous occasion. I'd rather not ruin another family gathering.

So, it's christmas alone, with bad made for tv christmas movies, and a few phone calls to family. Just another day...

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-12-13T06:42:00

2007-12-13T12:35:25Z

almost 7am

fuck i hate insomnia....

all I want is sleep, is that so much to ask?

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-12-01T21:57:00

2007-12-02T03:51:08Z

I had a paper due on tuesday,
I got an extension.

It was due on friday, I didn't finish it, I emailed the prof.
He said that I could mail it to him before sunday morning and that would be fine.

It's almost 10pm and I haven't even started writing.

What the hell is wrong with me? I sit here, I know I have to do it. I research it, and that's as far as I get. WTF?

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-11-17T19:52:00

2007-11-18T01:45:08Z

I fainted in class yesterday.

How embarassing.

Everyone kept asking me when the last time I ate was...

um... like two weeks ago? People just don't get it.

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-09-28T22:10:00

2007-09-29T03:17:00Z

Sometimes I wish I had cancer.

yes, I realize what an outlandish statement that is. Yes, I realize that it is a horrible thing to survive, and a horrible way to die. I mean no disrespect to anyone who has survived the disease, or lost a loved one.

But, when you say that you have cancer, people understand that you are sick. When you have to tell people that you have a mental illness, they look at you with confused eyes. They pity you, they judge you. There is such a stigma attached to the term. People think that you either 'hear voices' or that you're faking. Like this is something that you picked up one day to get attention. This is a disease that runs my life. This is a disease that could potentially kill me. I wish that people could see that it IS a disease, and that it IS potentially fatal. This WAS NOT a choice.

Part of me hates that it is a disease, that it is a label. I hate that it defines me, it is more of 'me' than who I am. (that may not sound like it makes sense, but its true). This illness, this other part of me occupies more of my mind, more of my daily thoughts, than 'I' do.

I feel like I should walk around with a shirt that says 'ANOREXIA NERVOSA, OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER, SEVERE DEPRESSION, GENERALISED ANXIETY DISORDER, PANIC DISORDER' . People want an answer, they want a reason. People want to understand why I do the things that I do. There is no explaining it. Unless you live in my head, you won't understand the reasons I give.

I hate that one day I hate what it does to me and the next I am proud. I can't ever picture a life without ana. There is no world beyond the one I have now. Maybe that sounds closed, like I've given up. I have. I can't go anywhere without my thoughts. Not one day, not one minute. No matter what else occupies every minute, ana is always there too. A constant companion. A friend. A saboteur.

Some days it's all I have, most days it's all I want.

No matter what else I accomplish, no matter what else happens in the day, the only thing that makes me feel even remotely satisfied is to be empty. To have another pound lost. Nothing else. nothing.

sometimes I long for nothing...

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-09-15T01:06:00

2007-09-15T06:07:02Z

well,

I'm back in school again for the first time in years which is good? I think? I'm not sure at this point. So far it's ok, but then again, it's the end of the first full week, so really, how bad should it be at this point? I am struggling some though. Three days a week aren't too bad cause I have the shorter 45 minute classes, but the other two are kind of brutal. I have trouble focusing for that long, and so far as I can tell my information retention is not what it should be. It's hard to tell, I haven't been 'normal' in such a long time. I am just determined to prove to everyone that I am not too 'sick' to do this. Maybe I could do it better if I was eating, but I'm not. So this is the way it is.

I'm also getting my tattoo in the first week in October, which is pretty exciting. I can't wait. It's the NEDA symbol, which has particular meaning to me, but not everyone will recognize it right off the bat. I'll post a pic here after I get inked.

Also in the news is that my twin sister got engaged. I'm super happy for her, but it also got me to thinking. I was dating that one guy in my life before she even met this guy. If I hadn't been sick, if I hadn't have lost him the way that I did, where would my life be at this point? I know that there is no way to know. It just got me to thinking. I know that I have 'lost' a lot of life to this disease, who would I be if ana never came into my life? How would my family be different? would I have been happy? so many questions, and the only answer I find is to not eat again tomorrow.

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-09-05T16:46:00

2007-09-05T21:44:21Z

I think I've lost sight of what normal is.

I managed to go to the country with a friend this weekend. I almost cancelled on her so many times. It's hard for me to be in a family environment. It's hard to be anywhere at mealtime. I won't eat. I can't. I do consume, I just can't do it in front of people.

Her dad offered me food at dinnertime on the third night and I panicked. He told me that I had to eat. That I couldn't go a whole weekend without eating (little does he know). He told me that he would give me some food and that I could go into the other room and eat there. I panicked. The whole nine yards. I was shaking, my eyes welled up. I just lost it. I can't handle food. I can't.

It didn't strike me until afterwards that other girls can go to their friends houses for the weekend and actually enjoy meals. 'Normal' would be to thank your host for their gracious offer, and enjoy the meal they provide. Me, I can't get through the offer without losing it.

Fuck.

sanityisrelativ @ 2007-08-22T19:39:00

2007-08-23T00:33:12Z

so I haven't been here in awhile.

I haven't had my own computer for almost three years... it's hard to post here and not get 'caught'. I can't really write the kind of entries that I want to because I'm always worried that someone is going to find what I have written or walk in while I am writing an entry.

I don't have time to write my 'cath-up' entry now, but for anyone who still reads this journal, I'm going to be around again on a regular basis.

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-11-09T16:35:00

2006-11-09T21:35:18Z

This is an entry that I have been meaning to write for more than a month now, but I have not been able to find the courage. It will be a long one, so read on if you dare.

Anyone who has read my journal is familiar with the guy in my life. Well, things have changed.

In August, I finally decided to see my parents. I had not seen them since their failed intervention last year. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever faced, but I knew that it was what they needed more than anything. (My mother has told me that she wakes in the middle of the night fearing the phone will ring and she will learn of my death.) I knew that they needed to see me.

I knew that I couldnt go alone. I'm just not that brave, so I asked the boy to go with me. It was right after the last email I posted. Before I asked him though, I told him that he could walk. I told him that if he no longer wanted my burden, if he no longer wanted to be my friend, that he could walk away, and that I wouldnt hold it against him. I know that being my friend is a lot of work, and often times it feels like I don't give back the way a real friend should. He promised that he was coming because he wanted to, and he knew how much it meant to me and my parents. So he came.

We took two planes to get there, and he was himself the whole trip. We drank in the airports, my mind was reeling what with all those calories and the fact that I was on my way to see my folks. I hadn't been home since right before IP. All my friends remember me that way, emaciated. I wanted them to remember me like that and not see what I have become. But I went.

My mother cried when she saw me, my father held back his tears.

And with that, the boy changed. We were there for five days and he hardly said a word ( he is the kind of guy who is the life of the party and always the center of attention). I couldn't figure out what was going on with him. He was so quiet. He barely said a word when we went to see my friends, and spoke rarely to my parents and sister.

Finally, on the last night, we were in bed and I asked him if everything was ok.
He told me that it wasnt, but that he didnt want to talk about it until we were back in winnipeg. I told him that I couldnt deal with the stress of being home and having him so seemingly far away.
so with that, he told me.

He told me that he was done. That he could no longer deal with the stress of my 'illness', and that it just wasnt worth it anymore. I asked him what it was exactly that he wanted from me. I told him that i had been seeing a doctor and that I was trying new medication. I hadnt said anything because if it didnt work out again i didnt want him to be dissapointed in me. I told him that I was trying. He said, "its just not worth it, trying just isnt good enough"
with that, he went to sleep on the couch. I cried like I have never cried before. I went down to the dock and sat there until the sun came up. I was devastated.

We flew home the next day, he stayed at my house in the city that night, but on the couch. The next morning he called his brother for a ride to the country. He said "im going home" and walked out my front door.

That was the last time that he spoke to me. Those were the last words he said. That was almost three months ago.

He moved to alberta for school in september. He didnt let me say goodbye. I ended up out there a few weeks ago, at the same school, to see my best friend. He left town when he heard that I was coming. He made my friend call ahead when we went over to certain dorms so that he could leave before I got there.

I just dont understand. He's acting like he is so angry with me, and I dont know why. I cant think of what I could have done to make him hate me this way.

So many of our friends tell me that I should just forget him, that im better off with him out of my life. But i cant just forget him. Ive tried. I still cry everyday. I miss him more than anything. He was one of my best friends. We lived together for two years. I used to see him everyday, and now he has unceremoniously cut me from his life.

I just dont know how much longer I can live like this.

I started purging again. Im sticking to more than 250 cals a day, and most of that I bring up again anyways. Im on my treadmill a minimum of 3 hours a day.

They're worried about me at work again, but I dont care. Nothing really matters anymore. I have lost the one person who believed in me. The one person who stuck with me through all the hospitals, the doctors, everything. He was always there and he always saw me underneath. Now all he sees is someone who isnt worth saving, so why should I?

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-10-18T17:24:00

2006-10-18T22:25:33Z

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

I will not eat.

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-06-26T18:23:00

2006-06-26T23:28:09Z

From: *******
To: *******
Subject: RE: "stuff"
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2006 16:50:48 -0500
>K i trust you and im always a phone or email away
>and i didnt know that happened last year and i dont even rember you
>saying anything about a miscarriage
>but yeah you are my friend even if you dont get your shit together
>just keep it tidy for now ok
>but yeah i am in for a short bit on thurs
>gail wants a realestate guy to look at the house
>so she needs to talk to you
>but yeah
>ummmm thats about it
>have fun and take care
>later
>
*******

What the hell.....

How can he not remember? How is this an event that just slipped his mind? I dont get it... I dont get it. That was the hardest conversation I ever had to start in my life. He sat there and kept telling me that he wished I had told him... He cried when we talked about it. I have never seen him cry... I thought that it actually meant something to him....
And then he goes from that to talking about our landlord in some other trivial matter. What the Fuck!?
Im hurt, Im angry and I have no idea where to go with this. Even if I wanted to. I cant forget it. I just cant....

ema
>

Part Deux

2006-06-26T02:43:11Z

and so the emails continue

Subject: RE: "stuff"
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 20:15:36 -0500

>listen to me a listen well
>i wont leave you
>i will always be your friend to you
>always
>i just want to let you know that
>i know i havent made life easy on you and i cant promise you
>anything except that if you need me i will be there if i can
>i still have no idea what is on canada day, or sumthing about i kid
>that you still havent explained
>josh wont tell me and laura wont talk about it
>so i dont know what is up
>im sorry this is a super shitty way to do this but at least i think
>i can be more articulate
>im sorry i dont want to lose you as a friend
>i never have
>
>just thought you should know that
>
>
*******

im kinda not understanding....

you said that "you need to get your shit together or we cant hang out or be friends"

and now you're saying that you will always be my friend.... I cant promise that I can get my shit together. I can't. If I did, it would be a lie. I will always have mental illness to deal with. That doesnt go away. I will always be dealing with it in some way or another. Its bad right now. I know that. If you cant deal or dont want to, then by all means I will "avoid you completely" as per your last request. I wish I could promise you only happy times, but I cant.

It means a lot to me that you would say you will always be there, but I just need to know that even if I cant get my shit together, you still mean it.

Im sorry I didnt explain why I was so upset last night, and what it has to do with this weekend specifically. I asked you if you were going to be in the city this weekend, cause I wanted to see you. I wanted a happy moment. One. I didnt want to have any deep heart to heart talk, or even mention it at all, no weepy talks, nothing like that. Just a happy moment.

Exactly a year ago i was in the hospital for a little more than two days. It was while you were at countryfest last year that I miscarried. I have never been more scared or alone and nothing else in my life has affected me the way that did. It scared me more than anything else I've ever been through. I carry it with me. I know that you dont, I dont expect you to. I just really didnt want to be alone again, I dont want to sit here and think about it. It wasnt that I was mad or upset that you cant be here, I just.... I thought you would remember. I know that might sound stupid considering you didnt know at the time, and you werent here. LIke I said... Im not mad. Its just something that is so much a part of me that I guess I just thought, I guess I thought that... I dont know.. its just a date that I cant forget yet. I know I only really told you about it the once... so that's kinda stupid.... but now you know.

As for you 'not making life easy on me'. I'm not saying this to be sappy, or some after school special type speech, but you are one of the reasons that I am still alive. No melodrama. Truth. You, Brandy and Brigitte are the reason that I am still here. You gave me a reason. I fought so hard to get back here. I fought my family, my doctors, everything. You have made more of a difference in my life than you will ever know. You have never once done anything that could ever be considered as 'not making life easy on me'. You are one of the few things in this world that keeps me even remotely sane. I honestly dont think that I would still be here if it werent for you. So dont knock yourself in any of this. Please. You dont deserve it. You have been a better friend to me than I could ever hope to be to you.

just know that to me you will always be family, and family is not something you walk away from. If you dont want to deal with this anymore (or me) I will respect that. But I will always be an email or phone call away if you ever get to a point where you feel like you can trust me.

ema

**********

So now I'm totally confused. Either he's done or he isnt. I just dont know which. I cant have him if he only wants to 'always be my friend' through the good times. With me there are often more bad times than good right now. That's just the way it is. So he takes me as a friend defects and all, or he doesnt. But I cant count on him if he tells me that hes ready to walk out whenever times get rough. Im not strong enough for that.

i finally lost him.

2006-06-25T23:11:16Z

This is the email that he just sent me.

From: *************
To: *************
Subject: stuff
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 16:40:33 -0500
>well what the fuck
>i dont know what the hell is on the go but you need to either tell
>me everything or stop with the drunk shit
>im saying this in an email because i can think it through and you
>cant interuppt me
>im tierd of defending you
>its one thing for you to have a shitty night and hell me not having
>a good one
>but if you keep this up you wont have anyone left
>people are scared to go out with you, that youll freak out and then
>they have to worry about you
>i dont know what to do about you anymore
>you cant help the way you feel
>and i dont feel the same way you do
>but you have to either suck it up or start avoiding me completely
>i just dont know what to say
>im sorry this has upset you and made you mad or sad but i should
>have done this long ago, i dont want you to lose your friends or me
>as a friend but if you keep this freakin out, gettin stupid drunk,
>or being sensitive around people you know upset or offend you.
>i dont know what to say, i really dont
>but you need to get your shit together or we cant hang out or be
>friends
>im sorry
>im really really am
>
>
>*******

This is the email that I wrotw him back:

From what you wrote in your email
"you cant help the way you feel
and i dont feel the same way you do" It sounds like you think that this is all about me feeling something for you. Yes, that's still there, but I have no delusions about anything ever becoming of it. I got over that a long time ago. It still hurts to see you or hear you with your girls, but I don't ever expect you to be anything more than a friend. That is a huge expectation in and of itself. I know that being my friend is a lot of work, and to most people its more work than its worth. If you have reached that point, I understand.

What I've realized over the past month or so is that I have been looking at this in completely the wrong way. I thought that you were still here, still putting up with me because you remember me from before. You remeber the person I am without disease, or illness or whatever you want to call it. I thought that you were still here because you could still see that under all the shit that happens, Im still in here. But the thing is... you dont. You think that this person is me. If I were you, looking at the person I have been, and I thought thats all that I am, I would have left a long time ago. I know what you think I am, and I dont blame you. You have every reason to walk away and never look back. I wont ever hold it against you. promise.

I know that drinking isnt good for me. It would really help if, as friends, we could do something other than go to bars. Ive asked you to go to movies, to try things that arent about drinking, but it seems that drinking is the only thing anyone ever wants to do, so its either go out and drink, or stay home alone. I did that last year. In so many ways it was better. The only person that got hurt, was me.

I know that additionally I owe you an explanation for last night. Last night was not about any of that. I know that doesnt mean anything to you, because it seems like there's always something. But I swear to god, this was different.

I asked you if you could be in the city this weekend. You said no (fair enough). I asked you if you remembered why I would be asking you. You said no. Thats what killed me. This is something bigger than me and my problems, my "freaking out" or what have you. This is about the scariest experience of my life and.... not wanting to be alone this year. I know you werent there (not in any way blaming or faulting you for that). I know that it didnt affect you like it does me. But... I guess.... I just thought that you would remember this one. Im not mad, I wasnt... I was just... shocked I guess.

I can't promise you that I am going to be able to "get my shit together", so I wont. I promised that I wouldnt lie to you, and I cant say with complete honesty that I will be able to be a happy, normal, healthy person right away. That's not to say that I dont want to, or that Im not going to try, but if the ultimatum is that I either get it together now or you walk, it looks like Im going to lose one of the best people that I've been blessed to have in my life. I wish i could just "suck it up", I wish I could be better for you, believe me, but i can't promise you that.

Just know that, despite my actions, you mean more to me as a friend than anyone else ever has. It kills me that you see me as a spiteful, manipulative, calculated person. I have never once set out to intentionally hurt you, even if thats the way it always seemed to end up. You may not believe that, and I can't blame you, but it is the truth.

I cant apologize for the things that have happened. I could tell you a thousand times how sorry i am for the way things have gone, for all the times I hurt you and people that you care about. I can't take them back. I wish I could. I dont blame you for being "done" with me, if you think the best thing for you is to walk away.... then I guess that's what you have to do.

I havent said any of this to try to upset or offend you either, you email did none of that. It hurts like hell, but its your truth and I'd rather have that than false promises.

you always said that you would never leave. You promised you would be the one person in my life that wouldn't turn your back on me. You'd say that you didnt know what you had to say to make me believe you.

What you didnt know, is that I did...

im sorry too

ema

I think I finally pushed him to the point where im just not worth it.

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-06-25T15:51:00

2006-06-25T21:03:14Z

wow, it has been a long time since I updated. I guess I've really just been so busy as of late, I havent had much of a chance to get to my email, let alone my lj.

Things have been... interesting around here. I have been working about 55-60 hour work weeks pretty steadily so I really haven't had time to do too much of anything really. The boys have moved out of our little house and it looks like tracy and I will be leaving this week. It's been really hard for me to deal with leaving this place. I've been here for two years and some of the best and worst things of my life have happened here. I got to live with two of the most important people in my life in this house. I got 'better' in this house. I got pregnant in this house. I had a miscarriage in this house. There are so many memories here and so much of my life has happened here. It's hard to let go.

As for 'the boy', we had a bit of a rowe last night. I asked him if he could be in town for Canada day, cause that day is a little hard for me. (It's the one year anniversary of the night I lost our baby). So I asked him if he could be there, cause I went through it without him and I would really like it if I werent alone this year.
He doesnt remember.
He doesnt even remember. I carry it with me everyday, and to him its like it never happened. I lost it. How could he? How could it have meant that little to him? I just don't get it. God it hurt.

He left early this morning to go back to the farm. I didnt stay with him last night. I have wanted nothing but him for the past week and I couldnt even think about him touching me last night. He was gone when I got up this morning. It's still killing me.
My eyes were all puffy and red when I woke up. I don't think that he understands why it hurts me so, but I dont understand how he can dismiss something like that, like it never happened. I know he wasnt there, and I know that wasnt his fault. But I was there. I remember. I can't just pretend that it wasnt real.

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-05-06T22:07:00

2006-05-07T03:13:26Z

I'm starting to dream about food again.

That happens to me sometimes, I'll wake up in a panic thinking that I ate something. It takes me a moment or two to realize that it was only in the dream.

I bought a new scale too. Its digital, the numbers arent what I want to see just yet, but if I stay on track I know exactly where I'll end up. I can't wait to be starving again. I long to be hollow and empty.

I'm hurting too much right now. I stayed with him the other night. I don't know if that was a good or bad idea. Having his arms around me is my favorite place in the world, but it hurts so much to know that I won't have that much longer.

I keep crying at random times. I'll go into my room and bawl, for no apparent reason really. It's like I can hold the pain for so long and then it all wells up at once. I know I sound like a broken record... I just don't know how to keep on without him

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-04-14T01:24:00

2006-04-14T06:30:46Z

things are spiralling...

He's still leaving and I'm still devastated.

We talked about what he said that night. I told him that I understood why he was 'done'. I have always told him that one day he too will get fed up and walk out, and he did. He maintains that he told me he would no longer be my crutch and that I needed to get help. I wasn't drunk. I remember. There is a very big difference between telling someone that you won't be their shoulder anymore and telling them that you won't be their crutch. It still hurts.

To add to my anxiety it looks like I may have to find an appartment by the first of may because everyone wants to get out of our lease early. I'm scared. Living on my own will give me every opportunity to become completely ana again. I know that without him that's where I'm headed as it is, but to be without anyone, I know who and what I will turn to. Part of me wants to go back to dying, but part of me remembers what that does to those I love. I feel caught...trapped.

I'm just lost... and alone. More alone than I have been in three years. He has been my only home and now I'm losing that one too...

sorry to be so depressing.

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-03-31T15:09:00

2006-03-31T21:25:26Z

He's done.

Last night I got a call from my mother. She asked me home.

I freaked.

I needed to talk to him. I needed to ask him to go home with me. I needed him to be there, with me. I asked to talk to him when we got home.

"not tonight"

I told him that this was REALLY important (I had to call my mother back this morning to let her know if I could come.) I told him that I really needed to talk to him, this wasnt something trivial. It was really important.

"not tonight"

so I asked him for five minutes. I did not want to have this conversation at a bar. But he left me with little choice. I asked him. He said he would go home with me. I asked him why he was so mad at me on sunday. He told me that he thought I didn't leave that email on the screen by accident. He thinks that I try and sabotage his attempts to be with other girls. He thinks that I am manipulative. He was never meant to read that email. He was mad because I would tell someone else those things before I told him. What was I supposed to do? tell him? 'I cut myself everytime you are with someone else. Every night that you don't come home, I cut' - yeah, that would have gone over well. He would have been angry with me for saying that. I know he would have. He said that he wants me to get help, and he knows that I won't. I told him that I have been seeing someone. I dont think he believes me. Who can blame him really... but it still hurts. How do I tell him that I didnt tell anyone about the therapist because I didnt want to get their hopes up?

He told me that he would no longer be a shoulder to cry on.

"I'm done".

I slid down the wall and sat on the floor outside the bar, and I cried. I've finally done it. I've pushed him far enough. I always knew that one day, he would get sick of me, and he would leave. For all the times he promised that he would never leave and for all the times I wanted so much to believe him... I never could completely. But god, this hurts.

The single most important person in my life is done with me. I've never felt more alone or scared in all my life.

i never thought he would really do it. Of all the people in my life, I never thought he would give up on me.

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-03-29T09:08:00

2006-03-29T15:11:42Z

You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours!

</td>

English

92%

Sociology

75%

Linguistics

75%

Dance

67%

Theater

58%

Journalism

58%

Philosophy

50%

Anthropology

42%

Psychology

42%

Mathematics

42%

Biology

33%

Engineering

33%

Art

25%

Chemistry

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

Well, it's too bad that they don't have history in there, which is my major. But the double minor in English and French seems to be well suited.

em

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-03-27T03:01:00

2006-03-27T06:02:31Z

god

I have the ephedrine shakes like you wouldnt believe.

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-03-26T23:44:00

2006-03-27T05:57:51Z

He won't even look at me.

I can't figure out why.

He came back from the country and everything was fine. We watched tv and he went to check his e-mail, then he went downstairs for a shower. He came upstairs and informed my other roomate that they were going out for a beer.

"Where are you guys off to?" I inquired

"out" he said and slammed the door in my face.

I knew he was mad, and I knew it was at me.

I went to the computer. There was an email there that I had started writing to my sister. It was about the fact that the boy is leaving and that I am terrified to be without him. I told her about the ed being worse (or better depending on your vantage point). I told her that he had another girl the other night, for the first time in quite awhile. I had to listen to them. I cut everytime. For two years, everytime.

He read it. I know he did. What I don't understand is why he was angry. Why he's still angry. He hasn't spoken to me since. Like I do it to hurt him. Like this was some sort of campaign to keep him from being with other girls. I'm sure he never knew until now. But why the anger?

I don't cut because he's with someone else. I cut because he isn't with me. It's really not about him, or about her. It's that I am not enough. I know that I could be happy and normal and still not be enough. But just the thought of him touching other girls the way that he touches me makes me sick. To have to hear them, it's maddening. It's like I'm going to come out of my skin. The only way to make that stop is to cut.

I just don't know what it is that he wants me to say...

ema

sanityisrelativ @ 2006-03-25T13:27:00

2006-03-25T19:35:04Z

god I miss my bones.....

I was laying next to him this morning and the covers fell away. I was laying on my side and I looked down at my hip bones. They are almost starting to look sharp again. I have been longing for that.

I still can't bring myself to step onto a scale. That will come with time. For now it's just restrict, restrict, restrict. It's amazing how easy it is once you start.

I can't wait till it hurts to have a bath again. I remember trying to explain that to my twin sister.
When you can't have a bath because your bones grind against the bottom of the tub, pinning your thin flesh. God, that was satisfying.

I am getting dizzy everytime I stand though. A regular reminder of my progress.

It's only a matter of time. I'll find myself again.

ema