The pretender
All my life I have catered and acquiesced to be who and what I think other people want me to be. My past relationships have all failed, but how could I have expected them to succeed when the person engaged in them was not a genuine and authentic version of who I am? Changing myself to become what I perceived to be wanted has doomed friendships and relationships my entire life; failures I blamed on the flaws I was unable to change in myself. Perhaps it was, in fact, my feigned and duplicitous character that failed me? For all one knows, they were relationships that were never meant to eventuate, it was only my pertinaciousness and intransigence that willed them to come into being.
Why have I been so indefatigable about being with men who are not meant to be with the unfeigned and legitimate person I have been so cowardly evading? What is it in myself I have been so reluctant and unwilling to reveal? If anything?
I would flaunt untruths and falsifications of my character to be with someone whom I felt would see my legitimate person as being unworthy and unbefitting of his affections. Why? What cause had I to conclude that my simulated and inauthentic character would be more favorably received than an honest and genuine manifestation?
I have decided than in any future relationships the verity and authenticity of my character will remain intact. Any future men in my life will either love me or hate me for the person I truly am. If I am ever to succeed in a relationship, an actual, honest, authentic personage has to be the one engaged.

ema