I'm going to be alone for christmas again this year.

This will be the second year that I spend the day by myself. I haven't been home for christmas in 5 years. I used to go to my ex's farm, and spend the holidays with his family. After three years, I grew to love them like they were my own. When he left, I lost them too, and I guess there's a part of me that just doesn't want to get attached to another family. I can't handle losing another one.

My mother wanted so badly for me to come home this year. I wanted more than anything to go. I just couldn't. For me to explain why, won't make sense to anyone else. Sometimes I hate my mental illness. I just hate it. In all honesty, I feel like I can't go, because I don't want my family to see how 'fat' I am. I have all these plans inside my head to be ridiculously sick by august for my sister's wedding, and I don't want them to see me as I am right now. Everytime they see me even a little bit heavier, it makes them hope. They hope that I am getting better, that I am on a path towards recovery. I just can't see the dissapointment in their eyes again. I can't hurt them like that.

I'm able to rationalize that it's better for them to just not see me at all. I feel like, when they can see me, it causes them even more pain. When the family sits down to dinner, and all I have is water, everyone is pained. It takes away from an otherwise joyous occasion. I'd rather not ruin another family gathering.

So, it's christmas alone, with bad made for tv christmas movies, and a few phone calls to family. Just another day...

ema