I think I've lost sight of what normal is.

I managed to go to the country with a friend this weekend. I almost cancelled on her so many times. It's hard for me to be in a family environment. It's hard to be anywhere at mealtime. I won't eat. I can't. I do consume, I just can't do it in front of people.

Her dad offered me food at dinnertime on the third night and I panicked. He told me that I had to eat. That I couldn't go a whole weekend without eating (little does he know). He told me that he would give me some food and that I could go into the other room and eat there. I panicked. The whole nine yards. I was shaking, my eyes welled up. I just lost it. I can't handle food. I can't.

It didn't strike me until afterwards that other girls can go to their friends houses for the weekend and actually enjoy meals. 'Normal' would be to thank your host for their gracious offer, and enjoy the meal they provide. Me, I can't get through the offer without losing it.

Fuck.