*emaline* (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} sanityisrelativ) wrote,@ 2006-06-25 21:37:00 |
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Part Deux
and so the emails continue
Subject: RE: "stuff"
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 20:15:36 -0500
>listen to me a listen well
>i wont leave you
>i will always be your friend to you
>always
>i just want to let you know that
>i know i havent made life easy on you and i cant promise you
>anything except that if you need me i will be there if i can
>i still have no idea what is on canada day, or sumthing about i kid
>that you still havent explained
>josh wont tell me and laura wont talk about it
>so i dont know what is up
>im sorry this is a super shitty way to do this but at least i think
>i can be more articulate
>im sorry i dont want to lose you as a friend
>i never have
>
>just thought you should know that
>
>
*******
im kinda not understanding....
you said that "you need to get your shit together or we cant hang out or be friends"
and now you're saying that you will always be my friend.... I cant promise that I can get my shit together. I can't. If I did, it would be a lie. I will always have mental illness to deal with. That doesnt go away. I will always be dealing with it in some way or another. Its bad right now. I know that. If you cant deal or dont want to, then by all means I will "avoid you completely" as per your last request. I wish I could promise you only happy times, but I cant.
It means a lot to me that you would say you will always be there, but I just need to know that even if I cant get my shit together, you still mean it.
Im sorry I didnt explain why I was so upset last night, and what it has to do with this weekend specifically. I asked you if you were going to be in the city this weekend, cause I wanted to see you. I wanted a happy moment. One. I didnt want to have any deep heart to heart talk, or even mention it at all, no weepy talks, nothing like that. Just a happy moment.
Exactly a year ago i was in the hospital for a little more than two days. It was while you were at countryfest last year that I miscarried. I have never been more scared or alone and nothing else in my life has affected me the way that did. It scared me more than anything else I've ever been through. I carry it with me. I know that you dont, I dont expect you to. I just really didnt want to be alone again, I dont want to sit here and think about it. It wasnt that I was mad or upset that you cant be here, I just.... I thought you would remember. I know that might sound stupid considering you didnt know at the time, and you werent here. LIke I said... Im not mad. Its just something that is so much a part of me that I guess I just thought, I guess I thought that... I dont know.. its just a date that I cant forget yet. I know I only really told you about it the once... so that's kinda stupid.... but now you know.
As for you 'not making life easy on me'. I'm not saying this to be sappy, or some after school special type speech, but you are one of the reasons that I am still alive. No melodrama. Truth. You, Brandy and Brigitte are the reason that I am still here. You gave me a reason. I fought so hard to get back here. I fought my family, my doctors, everything. You have made more of a difference in my life than you will ever know. You have never once done anything that could ever be considered as 'not making life easy on me'. You are one of the few things in this world that keeps me even remotely sane. I honestly dont think that I would still be here if it werent for you. So dont knock yourself in any of this. Please. You dont deserve it. You have been a better friend to me than I could ever hope to be to you.
just know that to me you will always be family, and family is not something you walk away from. If you dont want to deal with this anymore (or me) I will respect that. But I will always be an email or phone call away if you ever get to a point where you feel like you can trust me.
ema
**********
So now I'm totally confused. Either he's done or he isnt. I just dont know which. I cant have him if he only wants to 'always be my friend' through the good times. With me there are often more bad times than good right now. That's just the way it is. So he takes me as a friend defects and all, or he doesnt. But I cant count on him if he tells me that hes ready to walk out whenever times get rough. Im not strong enough for that.
and so the emails continue
Subject: RE: "stuff"
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 20:15:36 -0500
>listen to me a listen well
>i wont leave you
>i will always be your friend to you
>always
>i just want to let you know that
>i know i havent made life easy on you and i cant promise you
>anything except that if you need me i will be there if i can
>i still have no idea what is on canada day, or sumthing about i kid
>that you still havent explained
>josh wont tell me and laura wont talk about it
>so i dont know what is up
>im sorry this is a super shitty way to do this but at least i think
>i can be more articulate
>im sorry i dont want to lose you as a friend
>i never have
>
>just thought you should know that
>
>
*******
im kinda not understanding....
you said that "you need to get your shit together or we cant hang out or be friends"
and now you're saying that you will always be my friend.... I cant promise that I can get my shit together. I can't. If I did, it would be a lie. I will always have mental illness to deal with. That doesnt go away. I will always be dealing with it in some way or another. Its bad right now. I know that. If you cant deal or dont want to, then by all means I will "avoid you completely" as per your last request. I wish I could promise you only happy times, but I cant.
It means a lot to me that you would say you will always be there, but I just need to know that even if I cant get my shit together, you still mean it.
Im sorry I didnt explain why I was so upset last night, and what it has to do with this weekend specifically. I asked you if you were going to be in the city this weekend, cause I wanted to see you. I wanted a happy moment. One. I didnt want to have any deep heart to heart talk, or even mention it at all, no weepy talks, nothing like that. Just a happy moment.
Exactly a year ago i was in the hospital for a little more than two days. It was while you were at countryfest last year that I miscarried. I have never been more scared or alone and nothing else in my life has affected me the way that did. It scared me more than anything else I've ever been through. I carry it with me. I know that you dont, I dont expect you to. I just really didnt want to be alone again, I dont want to sit here and think about it. It wasnt that I was mad or upset that you cant be here, I just.... I thought you would remember. I know that might sound stupid considering you didnt know at the time, and you werent here. LIke I said... Im not mad. Its just something that is so much a part of me that I guess I just thought, I guess I thought that... I dont know.. its just a date that I cant forget yet. I know I only really told you about it the once... so that's kinda stupid.... but now you know.
As for you 'not making life easy on me'. I'm not saying this to be sappy, or some after school special type speech, but you are one of the reasons that I am still alive. No melodrama. Truth. You, Brandy and Brigitte are the reason that I am still here. You gave me a reason. I fought so hard to get back here. I fought my family, my doctors, everything. You have made more of a difference in my life than you will ever know. You have never once done anything that could ever be considered as 'not making life easy on me'. You are one of the few things in this world that keeps me even remotely sane. I honestly dont think that I would still be here if it werent for you. So dont knock yourself in any of this. Please. You dont deserve it. You have been a better friend to me than I could ever hope to be to you.
just know that to me you will always be family, and family is not something you walk away from. If you dont want to deal with this anymore (or me) I will respect that. But I will always be an email or phone call away if you ever get to a point where you feel like you can trust me.
ema
**********
So now I'm totally confused. Either he's done or he isnt. I just dont know which. I cant have him if he only wants to 'always be my friend' through the good times. With me there are often more bad times than good right now. That's just the way it is. So he takes me as a friend defects and all, or he doesnt. But I cant count on him if he tells me that hes ready to walk out whenever times get rough. Im not strong enough for that.
