wow, it has been a long time since I updated. I guess I've really just been so busy as of late, I havent had much of a chance to get to my email, let alone my lj.

Things have been... interesting around here. I have been working about 55-60 hour work weeks pretty steadily so I really haven't had time to do too much of anything really. The boys have moved out of our little house and it looks like tracy and I will be leaving this week. It's been really hard for me to deal with leaving this place. I've been here for two years and some of the best and worst things of my life have happened here. I got to live with two of the most important people in my life in this house. I got 'better' in this house. I got pregnant in this house. I had a miscarriage in this house. There are so many memories here and so much of my life has happened here. It's hard to let go.

As for 'the boy', we had a bit of a rowe last night. I asked him if he could be in town for Canada day, cause that day is a little hard for me. (It's the one year anniversary of the night I lost our baby). So I asked him if he could be there, cause I went through it without him and I would really like it if I werent alone this year.
He doesnt remember.
He doesnt even remember. I carry it with me everyday, and to him its like it never happened. I lost it. How could he? How could it have meant that little to him? I just don't get it. God it hurt.

He left early this morning to go back to the farm. I didnt stay with him last night. I have wanted nothing but him for the past week and I couldnt even think about him touching me last night. He was gone when I got up this morning. It's still killing me.
My eyes were all puffy and red when I woke up. I don't think that he understands why it hurts me so, but I dont understand how he can dismiss something like that, like it never happened. I know he wasnt there, and I know that wasnt his fault. But I was there. I remember. I can't just pretend that it wasnt real.

ema