things are spiralling...

He's still leaving and I'm still devastated.

We talked about what he said that night. I told him that I understood why he was 'done'. I have always told him that one day he too will get fed up and walk out, and he did. He maintains that he told me he would no longer be my crutch and that I needed to get help. I wasn't drunk. I remember. There is a very big difference between telling someone that you won't be their shoulder anymore and telling them that you won't be their crutch. It still hurts.

To add to my anxiety it looks like I may have to find an appartment by the first of may because everyone wants to get out of our lease early. I'm scared. Living on my own will give me every opportunity to become completely ana again. I know that without him that's where I'm headed as it is, but to be without anyone, I know who and what I will turn to. Part of me wants to go back to dying, but part of me remembers what that does to those I love. I feel caught...trapped.

I'm just lost... and alone. More alone than I have been in three years. He has been my only home and now I'm losing that one too...

sorry to be so depressing.

ema